Heinz 57 Frog

Have you guys wondered how you go from just being a normal guy in my life to being a slimy frog?

Here's an example:

1.  Take 2 weeks to finally have time for date number 1. 

2.  Tell me as I'm on my way to said first date that you feel sick.  BUT since I'm already on my way there, you're going to try to rally and still go out.

3.  Show up for our date and instantly be super cocky (and NOT SICK at all).  Give me a hard time for not exploring the entire bar, that it took me over an hour to get to, while I waited 15 minutes for you, for open bar seats for us.  Then make fun of me for voting for a Republican.  Then take me to an improv show, where the improv people call me out in the audience right off the bat, give me another hard time for answering the stupid questions they ask me honestly (apparently I should have lied??  Who finds that shit funny anyway?  My dog in a sweater makes me laugh harder).  

4.  Text only.  Never call.  

5.  Make plans with me to go to the movies.

6.  Say you have too much work to do a couple hours before the movie.  Reschedule plans.

7.  Make plans to have me come into town, have wine at your house - then go to that movie.

8.  Ask me to pick up wine - Chardonnay.  For you.  Even though I don't like Chardonnay.   

9.  Cancel on me at 3pm that day, after I already got the gross - yet expensive Chardonnay (don't need to get grief for being cheap) when I'm supposed to go over at 7pm ... because you're tired.  From traveling.  To Pittsburgh.  Even though it was 2 days prior.  Even though you work at home every day, and have been home, for 48 hours straight, relaxing.  

10.  Reschedule plans for the following weekend.  

11.  Say you want to go out on Saturday, even though it's Valentine's Day.  Even though I said I'm fine with Friday. 

12.  Talk about plans for Saturday/Valentines day, all week (on text of course).

13.  Write to me Friday and say "Hey, I'm gonna pass on tomorrow.  Between everything going on, maybe next weekend will be better".

14.  Monday night text me and make plans for following weekend.  

15.  Say you were "overwhelmed" and "pressured" when I ask you why you've canceled on me so many times.  

16.  Talk things out, make me feel better, comment on The Bachelor, text me everyday about our new plans for the upcoming weekend.

17.  Tell me Friday that your dog "has the shits" and you're taking him to the vet.  But that we'll hang out Saturday, at your house, in case your dog has to shit. 

18.  Text me first thing Saturday AM that your dog feels better, but now YOU are sick (again). When I ask if you're canceling plans (again), say you're going to try to rally and will text me in a bit to let me know for sure.

19.  Never text me again.

20.  Become a frog.  Get blogged about.  The end. 

Lessons Learned:

• "I'm gonna pass on tomorrow" will go down in history books as THEE WORST way to cancel plans. That you made.  On Valentines Day.  What a douchey thing to do! 
• You should actually probably never make plans with a girl you went out with ONCE on Valentines Day in the first place, especially if you're going to freak yourself out with that notion.
• I don't even like ketchup!  I really only put it on eggs and french fries.  French fries are bad for you - and I advanced to putting hot sauce on my eggs years ago.  Ketchup on my organic cage free egg whites is like putting the Kardashian Collection clothing on Kate Middleton.  You just don't.   
• Heinz - you have lost all my business, and I encourage those of you reading, to boycott their products as well.  Your money will fund the purchase of improv tickets and bad dates in the Boston area.  Thank you.  

Cockiness (or Confidence) and Ketchup.

I went on a first date a little over a week ago.  With a man that sells ketchup.

After the peen experience, I deleted Tinder and Match and thought about ways I could date people who were friends of friends.  Seems ... safer.

Turns out, I have a mutual friend in common with "Ketchup".  And I did my due diligence and asked my friend about him.  She said she was just talking about him the other day - she went to college with him and worked with him for a little bit before moving to a new company and she'd definitely recommend me "getting drinks with him and getting to know him better."

So ... I did.

We wrote almost every day to each other, and tried to get together the first Friday we were talking - but it snowed.  And he said he'd "rather meet me in one piece" so we rescheduled for the following Friday and he planned it.  Drinks in the North End and then an improv comedy show.  He bought the tickets and everything.  I know this is something fairly common for those of you reading that have been married for a bit.  But I will let you know ... NO ONE has EVER planned a first date where tickets to something were involved before.  Not even a movie, or subway ticket.

He was concerned with me driving in snow, and he bought tickets.  So far, not like anyone else I've dated.

Now ... the night of the date.  I got to the bar I was meeting him at first.  Had never been there before, and it was a Friday night in the North End - so the place was packed.  I waited for him at the door.

He walked in ... Looked just like his pictures, good!  We hug and first thing he says is "Why are you just standing by the door?  Did you look on the other side of the bar for seats?  Let's go ..." and starts walking.

I'm following behind him like a puppy, trying to say over the crowd "I didn't know their was a bar on the other side here" ... as he spots two seats and says "See!" .... sits down and I follow suit, my radar already up as I think "well, ok!  Nice to meet you, too!!!"

The conversation swirls around the ketchup business, how well he does at his job, his upcoming business trips...  I have no idea what this guy is thinking about me and I'm sensing major cockiness. I start to feel a little put off, which is further amplified as he orders ...  chardonnay's ...  while I'm sipping bourbon, which he is disgusted by.

We continue to part two of the date, improv.  I so appreciated him getting these tickets and putting this effort in and I soon realized why.

As I sat there looking around like "are people really finding this funny?" ... my date is laughing so hard there is knee slapping happening!   AND OF COURSE we are called out right away.  I was asked my name, to which I responded in complete embarrassment "oh God".  And when we're asked how we know each other I instantly blurt out "it's our first date" ...  we were then asked for the rest of the night if that was true, and Ketchup said I should have lied and said we knew each other for years.  I think he was really disappointed I called us out like that.

The night ends harmlessly.  And by harmlessly, I mean making out in a gay bar surrounded by gay men (can you tell this was my suggestion-portion of the evening?) and off we went on our separate ways.

Saturday.  The next day ....

I don't hear from him all day.

Sunday.  I go to church.  I sit in my car after and debate writing.  I hear my best friend saying "don't do it".   I hear my mother saying "do not write to him, especially if he's cocky - he'll LOVE that".  I hear no no no ... so what do I do ...

I text.

"Safe travels on your business trip"

"Thanks, blondie - I'll talk to you when I'm back to set something else up".

WHEN HE'S BACK!?

We've been talking all day everyday and now he's traveling from Sunday to Friday!  And it's not like he's going anywhere crazy, he's going to be in PITTSBURGH.  Which reminds me of the movie, He's Just Not That Into You.  I'm taking it this isn't a good sign ...

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday evening now ... nothing.  I go to bed and google the quote from the movie I was just referring to:

I'm Gigi.  

And as I admit defeat, I turn on the TV and GUESS what is on.  

He's Just Not That Into You.  

I'm a firm believer in signs, as everyone knows, and hello!?  Could their be a bigger sign!  Just as the part was on, I video tapped it from my phone - to save - as a reminder to swear off Ketchup for the rest of my life and move forward.   Proof ...  I taped it in the dark, from my bed, while it played on my iPad and I frowned:

Two minutes after taping this ... I  get a text. 

It's Ketchup.  "Hey hey ...."

Long story, which is already long, cut a bit shorter - he lands Friday night and wants to see me Saturday.  Today.  And has suggested drinks and a movie, OR if he's tired from travel, perhaps I'd want to go to his condo in town and he will make me dinner before the movie.   WHAT!?  

Looking forward to seeing if the cockiness is indeed true cockiness or maybe it was confidence with a slice of nervousness?   

Moral of the story here and lessons learned are:

• Don't text until you get a reply to your last text.  Be patient. 
• Guys don't like to text when they're working/traveling for work.
• Some signs are the signs you think they are.  
• Maybe that movie isn't all true.
• I can still put ketchup on my French Fries.   For now.