Heinz 57 Frog

Have you guys wondered how you go from just being a normal guy in my life to being a slimy frog?

Here's an example:

1.  Take 2 weeks to finally have time for date number 1. 

2.  Tell me as I'm on my way to said first date that you feel sick.  BUT since I'm already on my way there, you're going to try to rally and still go out.

3.  Show up for our date and instantly be super cocky (and NOT SICK at all).  Give me a hard time for not exploring the entire bar, that it took me over an hour to get to, while I waited 15 minutes for you, for open bar seats for us.  Then make fun of me for voting for a Republican.  Then take me to an improv show, where the improv people call me out in the audience right off the bat, give me another hard time for answering the stupid questions they ask me honestly (apparently I should have lied??  Who finds that shit funny anyway?  My dog in a sweater makes me laugh harder).  

4.  Text only.  Never call.  

5.  Make plans with me to go to the movies.

6.  Say you have too much work to do a couple hours before the movie.  Reschedule plans.

7.  Make plans to have me come into town, have wine at your house - then go to that movie.

8.  Ask me to pick up wine - Chardonnay.  For you.  Even though I don't like Chardonnay.   

9.  Cancel on me at 3pm that day, after I already got the gross - yet expensive Chardonnay (don't need to get grief for being cheap) when I'm supposed to go over at 7pm ... because you're tired.  From traveling.  To Pittsburgh.  Even though it was 2 days prior.  Even though you work at home every day, and have been home, for 48 hours straight, relaxing.  

10.  Reschedule plans for the following weekend.  

11.  Say you want to go out on Saturday, even though it's Valentine's Day.  Even though I said I'm fine with Friday. 

12.  Talk about plans for Saturday/Valentines day, all week (on text of course).

13.  Write to me Friday and say "Hey, I'm gonna pass on tomorrow.  Between everything going on, maybe next weekend will be better".

14.  Monday night text me and make plans for following weekend.  

15.  Say you were "overwhelmed" and "pressured" when I ask you why you've canceled on me so many times.  

16.  Talk things out, make me feel better, comment on The Bachelor, text me everyday about our new plans for the upcoming weekend.

17.  Tell me Friday that your dog "has the shits" and you're taking him to the vet.  But that we'll hang out Saturday, at your house, in case your dog has to shit. 

18.  Text me first thing Saturday AM that your dog feels better, but now YOU are sick (again). When I ask if you're canceling plans (again), say you're going to try to rally and will text me in a bit to let me know for sure.

19.  Never text me again.

20.  Become a frog.  Get blogged about.  The end. 

Lessons Learned:

• "I'm gonna pass on tomorrow" will go down in history books as THEE WORST way to cancel plans. That you made.  On Valentines Day.  What a douchey thing to do! 
• You should actually probably never make plans with a girl you went out with ONCE on Valentines Day in the first place, especially if you're going to freak yourself out with that notion.
• I don't even like ketchup!  I really only put it on eggs and french fries.  French fries are bad for you - and I advanced to putting hot sauce on my eggs years ago.  Ketchup on my organic cage free egg whites is like putting the Kardashian Collection clothing on Kate Middleton.  You just don't.   
• Heinz - you have lost all my business, and I encourage those of you reading, to boycott their products as well.  Your money will fund the purchase of improv tickets and bad dates in the Boston area.  Thank you.  

Cockiness (or Confidence) and Ketchup.

I went on a first date a little over a week ago.  With a man that sells ketchup.

After the peen experience, I deleted Tinder and Match and thought about ways I could date people who were friends of friends.  Seems ... safer.

Turns out, I have a mutual friend in common with "Ketchup".  And I did my due diligence and asked my friend about him.  She said she was just talking about him the other day - she went to college with him and worked with him for a little bit before moving to a new company and she'd definitely recommend me "getting drinks with him and getting to know him better."

So ... I did.

We wrote almost every day to each other, and tried to get together the first Friday we were talking - but it snowed.  And he said he'd "rather meet me in one piece" so we rescheduled for the following Friday and he planned it.  Drinks in the North End and then an improv comedy show.  He bought the tickets and everything.  I know this is something fairly common for those of you reading that have been married for a bit.  But I will let you know ... NO ONE has EVER planned a first date where tickets to something were involved before.  Not even a movie, or subway ticket.

He was concerned with me driving in snow, and he bought tickets.  So far, not like anyone else I've dated.

Now ... the night of the date.  I got to the bar I was meeting him at first.  Had never been there before, and it was a Friday night in the North End - so the place was packed.  I waited for him at the door.

He walked in ... Looked just like his pictures, good!  We hug and first thing he says is "Why are you just standing by the door?  Did you look on the other side of the bar for seats?  Let's go ..." and starts walking.

I'm following behind him like a puppy, trying to say over the crowd "I didn't know their was a bar on the other side here" ... as he spots two seats and says "See!" .... sits down and I follow suit, my radar already up as I think "well, ok!  Nice to meet you, too!!!"

The conversation swirls around the ketchup business, how well he does at his job, his upcoming business trips...  I have no idea what this guy is thinking about me and I'm sensing major cockiness. I start to feel a little put off, which is further amplified as he orders ...  chardonnay's ...  while I'm sipping bourbon, which he is disgusted by.

We continue to part two of the date, improv.  I so appreciated him getting these tickets and putting this effort in and I soon realized why.

As I sat there looking around like "are people really finding this funny?" ... my date is laughing so hard there is knee slapping happening!   AND OF COURSE we are called out right away.  I was asked my name, to which I responded in complete embarrassment "oh God".  And when we're asked how we know each other I instantly blurt out "it's our first date" ...  we were then asked for the rest of the night if that was true, and Ketchup said I should have lied and said we knew each other for years.  I think he was really disappointed I called us out like that.

The night ends harmlessly.  And by harmlessly, I mean making out in a gay bar surrounded by gay men (can you tell this was my suggestion-portion of the evening?) and off we went on our separate ways.

Saturday.  The next day ....

I don't hear from him all day.

Sunday.  I go to church.  I sit in my car after and debate writing.  I hear my best friend saying "don't do it".   I hear my mother saying "do not write to him, especially if he's cocky - he'll LOVE that".  I hear no no no ... so what do I do ...

I text.

"Safe travels on your business trip"

"Thanks, blondie - I'll talk to you when I'm back to set something else up".

WHEN HE'S BACK!?

We've been talking all day everyday and now he's traveling from Sunday to Friday!  And it's not like he's going anywhere crazy, he's going to be in PITTSBURGH.  Which reminds me of the movie, He's Just Not That Into You.  I'm taking it this isn't a good sign ...

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday evening now ... nothing.  I go to bed and google the quote from the movie I was just referring to:

I'm Gigi.  

And as I admit defeat, I turn on the TV and GUESS what is on.  

He's Just Not That Into You.  

I'm a firm believer in signs, as everyone knows, and hello!?  Could their be a bigger sign!  Just as the part was on, I video tapped it from my phone - to save - as a reminder to swear off Ketchup for the rest of my life and move forward.   Proof ...  I taped it in the dark, from my bed, while it played on my iPad and I frowned:

Two minutes after taping this ... I  get a text. 

It's Ketchup.  "Hey hey ...."

Long story, which is already long, cut a bit shorter - he lands Friday night and wants to see me Saturday.  Today.  And has suggested drinks and a movie, OR if he's tired from travel, perhaps I'd want to go to his condo in town and he will make me dinner before the movie.   WHAT!?  

Looking forward to seeing if the cockiness is indeed true cockiness or maybe it was confidence with a slice of nervousness?   

Moral of the story here and lessons learned are:

• Don't text until you get a reply to your last text.  Be patient. 
• Guys don't like to text when they're working/traveling for work.
• Some signs are the signs you think they are.  
• Maybe that movie isn't all true.
• I can still put ketchup on my French Fries.   For now.   

Refund, please!

I want my money back.

I signed up for a matchmaking service.  This was to prevent any future dates where I'd see peen and hopefully avoid sociopaths.   However after date one ... I feel like I know grandparents that do a better job matching than this place did.

This was supposed to be "a PERFECT" guy for me.  And "such a cutie".

Ya - he looked like an old chubby leprechaun and he has a strong dislike towards 1) Chihuahuas and 2) Vegetarians.

He proceeded "sarcastically" insult me about that for most of the very quick date.  Never mind the fact that it took me 2 hours to get there in Boston traffic (he made mention it only took him 10 minutes - walking.  Love that the girls drive to the guy - wtf).  And I had to pay for parking and put worthless miles on my new car.

Not happy.

But did decide yesterday that I have a plan on how to correct this and also a little side project that should hopefully help the single ladies in my circle/nearby towns.  Stay tuned ...

:)

36 Questions ...

Just read an article that if you and your date ask the following 36 questions back and forth to each other, chances are very good that you will fall in love with each other.  Is this serious??   I think I'm going to have to do an experiment with this. 

This is the female equivalent of whipping a penis out on a first date.

"Oh excuse me, sir, let me just take out my notebook and questionnaire.  I'd like to fall in love tonight."

And if my date didn't run for the hills when I answered #5 honestly, he sure as heck would when I got through all 2 hours of #11's answer.  

Stay tuned though -- totally going to try this in January and will report back.  

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Ok - Here IT is. Date 1, 2015. Indecent Exposure

Was going to wait until the weekend but just had a pow-wow with the BFF and she said it's ok to put up.  I was nervous this kid would somehow find out I wrote about it, but honestly ... he deserves it.

Here you go kids -- sorry in advance for the naughty language!  :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ladies (and random gentlemen), this is the story of ...  The Most Effed Up Frog Yet.

I should have known when I questioned him on his "agenda" with online dating.  Simply asking if he's interested only in hookups and then getting the silent treatment for a few days should have stopped me from going any further.

When will I stop being so forgiving!?

Probably never.  But I digress.

New Years Eve and we made plans to finally go out.  The day of the date came and it started with: A dick pic.  After I had specifically said in previous conversation I would never want to receive one.  I got one.  WTF!?  Do guys really just send these casually now?  I freaked and he assured me to "calm down, stop acting crazy, it's not my dick, it's my friends.  It was just a joke.".  

Guys shouldn't have pictures of their friends penises, right? 

When will I stop being so gullible!? 

Probably never ... but again ... digression.

I meet him at his condo.  He's going to drive from there because I can't parallel park in town.  Which is where we're headed.

We go to one of my favorite places on Newbury.  Couple drinks, no problem. He asks me if I want to go somewhere else, sure!

And that's when it allllllll goes downhill.

This classy firefighter (again with the firefighters, giving those poor guys a bad rap) proceeds to drink about 4 vodka soda's in the amount of time it took me to have 1.5 bourbons.   While I'm in the bathroom, he writes to one of my friends from my phone.  Here is what he wrote to her ... EVERYTHING in blue he wrote - NOT ME. 

LOVELY!!!!

My poor friend.  Don't even ask how she thought this was me typing because it's so out of character. But I didn't notice these until later in the night.  

After what happened next...

We leave the 2nd bar to go get food.  As we're walking down the street he's asking me if I have a landing strip or am clean shaven.  Really?   Really.  

I can usually hang with the trash talkers just fine but this time I get a little annoyed and tell him to "zip it" (no pun intended for what's about to happen).  

I end up walking ahead of him a bit on Boylston Street.  He says to me from a ways back "Is this our first fight?" and yells my name.  I turn around ...

And his PENIS is OUT of the zipper, waggling around, and he's walking quickly towards me. Shaking his hips with his hands in his coat pocket. 

Yup.  It was definitely his penis, not his friends, in the dick-pic he so graciously sent. (Which I realized later was a screen shot of a peepee picture he had already sent to another girl he had labeled in his phone as "Chicago". So he obviously sends these pictures around often).

Horrified that "it" is now hanging out and people (poor little asian ladies) are looking - I grab his arm and tell him to PUT.  THAT.  AWAY.  I honestly thought it was a matter of moments before he got arrested for indecent exposure or for being a sexual predator. 

He zips it back up, and we go have a very quiet dinner.  I believe he sobers up a bit at this point and I'm ready to leave. So we do.  Don't ask me why I didn't run for the hills at this point.  Looking back, I don't know why I didn't.  

Moments later, we're on our way back to end the night.   He starts to drive.  Back to his neighborhood but makes a stop in front of another house...  "MAAAARIAAAAAA*" he yells and starts beeping the horn.

Who the hell is Maria*??

"Come on, let's go up".  He says as he gets out of the car.

"Where are we!? I'm not going until you tell me who's house this is"?

"My parents house, lets go in, I want to show you off".

WTF. WTF.  WTF.

5 Seconds later, I'm getting a hug from his mom, who's adorable and sweet, and in her pajama's.  And then we're sitting in their living room with his dad, shooting the shit.

Is this really happening ... yes it is.  I met the penis and the parents the same night. 

For about 15 minutes we sit and talk and then thankfully, even though I'd rather hang with his parents than him, my wonderful date says "lets go".

Off we go.  I get out of there pretty quickly and get a text on my way home ... "I found your earring".

Crap!  I didn't know I lost it in our exciting travels! 

I wait a bit before responding ... "Great!!  I need that!"  

He tells me "I threw it away".

What?  Why, I ask?  

"I just did and the trash just got taken out, sorry".

I say "I can't believe you'd do that - whyyy would you?".

His response:  "What is wrong with you?  You overanalyze everything!  Take a deep breath and just chill.  You're crazy.  I didn't throw your earring away."

I wait and say ...  "I'm sending you a pre-paid envelope with my work address, can you just put the earring in there and mail it back?"

His response:

"You really are crazy, to the point that it's creepy.  Leave me alone you psycho".

Me.  I'm creepy.  

So... needless to say I ...

• Am horrified.  
• Will never go on an online date again.
• Will probably never see my favorite earring again.  
• Will be going to church this Sunday to help erase my scars from these events and to pray for his poor parents.  

If anyone wants to see his peepee, I'm more than happy to share.  You know, because I'm so crraaaaazzzzyy.  This is why you never send nudies, friends. 

Happy 2015 friends!    

Backlash

So the downside to leading SUCH an exciting life (ha) and sharing it means it can sometimes make people mad.  As one of my besties said "don't want you ending up IN a dumpster".  So true.

Some of you remember when I had "The Skunk" power-washer threatening to come kill me?  I don't need other situations like that.  So ... I'm keeping the latest story under wraps until the dust settles a bit.

In the meantime though, I'll share another story.  That's right, some of you are lucky enough to get two stories in one day.

Quick one.  Did I ever tell you about the drunk text I sent to Bad Breath Bob?  For those of you that never saw this, thought I'd share.  For a drunk girl, this was pretty impressive. Who am I kidding, it's ridiculous.  But he wrote back "Happy Thanksgiving!!", which made me laugh.

#ChokeOnPubes  Feel free to steal that one.

It Happened ...

Someone has topped the dumpster story.

First week of 2015.  Right off the bat.  The year started with a proverbial bang.  Or shall I say "wang".

BUT ...  This story isn't quite ready to be out for the world to read yet.  Stay tuned ...  more to come.