Judging Fish

Today was the second day in a row I woke up feeling totally lousy, tired (despite getting around 9 hours of sleep, albeit interrupted with bad dreams), the sun was shining, birds were chirping and I didn't want to get out of bed.

Coincidence that's it's been two days since I woke up with Nantucket next to me?

After I finally dragged myself up and into the shower and still surprisingly made it to work at 7:30 AM, here were some other things that happened:

• I casually interviewed 10 Indians.
• I was informally mentored by a woman that I've admired for roughly the last 12 years.  She works in headquarters, is my age, ran a similar program to me, is now a director ($$$) has perfect style, perfect hair, is so so smart, and I've basically wanted to be her for a while.  And today she told me "Don't underestimate yourself, tell people what you want or you'll never get it and you deserve it".  She later checked in on me with some more ideas, all on her own, because she, who barely knows me, wants me to succeed.
• I bumped into two friends I hadn't seen in a while and they commented they couldn't believe I was single, and mentioned where the cute guys in their building sat.
• I then saw my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for 6 years, and we smiled at each other, totally fine.
• Went back to my office and met with my new manager, who thinks I'm capable of being the leader of my program managing 200 people. 
• Met with my old boss who wants to help me, even though he's not in a role within my program anymore, just because he wants to see me succeed. 
• Met with an employee who thanked me for doing what I do, caring for him and helping him succeed.  
• Talked to Scooter, who checked in to see where I was, talk about life and give me crap for who I chose to go to the concert with Saturday night.  I told him some of the things Nantucket said... Scooter said he knows I went nuts before but he knows that's not me, and hasn't been me for months, and that he values our friendship.  I asked him if somehow we both ended up single again at the same time if he'd ever date me again.  He said yes.  (This was all hypothetical - I wouldn't date him again, the zsa zsa zsu is gone and he's going to marry his girlfriend, I know it in my gut). 

So all of the above is in my mind ... my poor poor crazy mind ... and is outweighed by what Nantucket does.

I just read something that said ... "if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb tree... it will live it's whole life believing it's stupid."

He's the only one that judges me on what I do wrong.  And everyone else supports and cares about what I do right.  He makes me think I'm stupid and something is wrong with me.

One of my best friends, Katrina, told me he's like a tick.  Under my skin.  Embedded.  Sucking life out of me.  And I've been told that even if you pull a tick out sometimes, the head stays and the life-sucking-body grows back.

He's devolved past a frog into a tick.  Does anyone know how to get a tick out from under your skin!?

Lessons Learned:

• I need to keep relearning the same lessons over and over again. Obviously.
• Sometimes people get stuck under your skin and you know it doesn't make sense, but you just can't help it.  
• Fish can't climb.
• I need to make the next blog more uplifting!

Ebbing and Flowing

Am I an idiot?   I've asked myself that at least 38 times today.

The "dream team" of 5-ish is really no longer.  When it rains it pours ... and then if there is a drought ... I take whatever I can get.   Case and point:  last night.  After not seeing him for 2 months, I went out with Nantucket Paul. The slimiest of the bunch.  He lied to my face at least twice while we were out. He also made a couple comments that stand out in my mind...

Him:  "Do you think I look older, younger, or the same?  I think you look older."
Me:  "What!?  Really!  It's only been two months!?"  (gulp bourbon drink).

Him:  "You went crazy" (x10)
Him: "You went nuts" (x8)
Him:  "We'll see if we can be friends ... if you don't act mental anymore" (x 12).
Me:  (gulp bourbon drink x3)

If nuts is getting completely frustrated at the fact that you are ridiculously attracted to someone that can be such a dick....  Yes, I'm certifiable.

No clue why I feel the way I do about him.  Honestly.
He slept over last night because I stupidly parked in a garage where the attendant was too busy (asking me in his foreign accent why I was alone and if I would go to dinner with him) to tell me what time the doors locked.  11pm ...  couldn't get my car.  Paul to the rescue.

He drove me home.  Threw my change from the toll booth out the window (drives me nuts to think about that!! "It's just 15 cents"...  ya, that I worked for!).  Came in and asked me to massage his back because it hurt so much.  Like an idiot I did.  Like a bigger idiot, I used my fancy expensive moroccan oil body lotion on him.  He snored most of the night.  And when I couldn't sleep I glanced over, he's so cute to me.  But his hair!  It was longish again and standing up so funky.  I kept thinking "thattt haaaiiirr!!"  His phone was going off getting text messages from the girl he had picked up at a funeral a couple weeks ago, gone out with twice, and said he was going to end things with her.  Despite the fact that he texted her from my house.  Then this morning told me he was probably going to see her again.

Everything happening in my brain is a shit show right now.

I left things by telling him I like spending time with him, but I'm done reaching out.  If I never heard from him again it would be ok (which it would), but I missed him (and I do).  As one of my best friends said "the heart wants what the heart wants", and that's so true.  But leaving it all up to faith from here on out.

I was thankful to spend the day with some of my best friends at a graduation/farewell party.  LOVED hearing that someone I didn't even know was reading my blog - is.  Everyone was sweet telling me I deserve better, offering to talk when I wanted to talk to him, or delete his number from my phone for me.  I'm just so so so nervous I'm going to end up 50 and still single.  For a girl that just wants family so bad ... that's one hell of a scary thought.  But I know he's a turd bag.

Just like the ocean ...  guess I have to let things with him naturally ebb out before something wonderful can flow back into my life.

Effing stupid Nantucket.

Lessons Learned:

• Friends, laughing, and sunshine make everything better.
• Vodka helps.
• My drink limit has dropped from 3 per night to 2.  
• I DON'T LOOK OLD!

My Friends Are Going to Kill Me...

...When they find out who I am going to the Phantogram show with tonight.

Frogs Flying Everywhere

They say when it rains it pours.  Same applies to Frogs.

Right now I'm in regular correspondence with 6 different guys.  Not all frogs.  Nantucket Frog is one of the 6 ...  as of right now, he's the only slimy one.  I know what everyone is thinking "You so shouldn't be talking to him!"   But I am doing it for a calculated reason.

We all know I'm a little OCD and I'm known to not be able to hold back when I want to text someone. Well there is some potential amongst the 6.

One is Bryan, a life flight medic slash finance mogul who is currently in my number one spot. We've gone out and already have plans to go out again and he's funny and laid back and cute.  I can't mess things up with him.  So when I get the need to drunk text or OCD text, I write to Nantucket Frog to get it out of my system.  Everything already went south with him and can't get any worse so I see no harm. Slightly weird that after 2 months, Nantucket still talks to me, but whatever - everything happens for a reason right.

Let's break down the rest of the 6 that make up the current dream team, there's something for everyone:

After the medic/finance guy, there's Paul*, the 35 year old attorney that lives nearby.  He has the same name as Nantucket Frog.  So to distinguish between the two, I've had to label them "Good Paul" and "Bad Paul" in my phone.  Hopefully I don't mess up and write to the wrong one under the influence of bourbon.

There is also Matt, who is the manager of a yacht club on Nantucket.  I figure most of the appeal with Nantucket Frog was that he lived on my favorite island.  So ... why not find someone else on the island. I did. He's 38, cute, not super tall, works all summer, has all winters off paid to travel.  We became facebook friends last night.  It's moving so fast.  Ha!

Then there's Adam.  The single dad who's so cute but so shy.  I met him and didn't feel the spark but he seems so nice I can't not return his calls and texts.

And finally, I still talk to Scooter nearly everyday.  And don't judge me for it. I'm not sticking my tongue down his throat anymore and we're just friends.  That's all I'm saying about that!

So, just wanted to catch people up on what's happening over here.  Not sure what will happen with any of these guys but I'm so busy with jobs, adventures, friends, summer ...  I'm kind of not worried about any of it!

However -- I do have tickets to a show next weekend that I will likely have to drag one of these guys to because it's music too weird for any of my girlfriends.  Who will be the lucky fellow?  Stay tuned to find out!   :)

Lessons Learned:

1. I am creme brulee. 

* And as always - the * means the names are changed.  Can't let people know my identity or theirs.  Yet.