Refund, please!

I want my money back.

I signed up for a matchmaking service.  This was to prevent any future dates where I'd see peen and hopefully avoid sociopaths.   However after date one ... I feel like I know grandparents that do a better job matching than this place did.

This was supposed to be "a PERFECT" guy for me.  And "such a cutie".

Ya - he looked like an old chubby leprechaun and he has a strong dislike towards 1) Chihuahuas and 2) Vegetarians.

He proceeded "sarcastically" insult me about that for most of the very quick date.  Never mind the fact that it took me 2 hours to get there in Boston traffic (he made mention it only took him 10 minutes - walking.  Love that the girls drive to the guy - wtf).  And I had to pay for parking and put worthless miles on my new car.

Not happy.

But did decide yesterday that I have a plan on how to correct this and also a little side project that should hopefully help the single ladies in my circle/nearby towns.  Stay tuned ...

:)

36 Questions ...

Just read an article that if you and your date ask the following 36 questions back and forth to each other, chances are very good that you will fall in love with each other.  Is this serious??   I think I'm going to have to do an experiment with this. 

This is the female equivalent of whipping a penis out on a first date.

"Oh excuse me, sir, let me just take out my notebook and questionnaire.  I'd like to fall in love tonight."

And if my date didn't run for the hills when I answered #5 honestly, he sure as heck would when I got through all 2 hours of #11's answer.  

Stay tuned though -- totally going to try this in January and will report back.  

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Ok - Here IT is. Date 1, 2015. Indecent Exposure

Was going to wait until the weekend but just had a pow-wow with the BFF and she said it's ok to put up.  I was nervous this kid would somehow find out I wrote about it, but honestly ... he deserves it.

Here you go kids -- sorry in advance for the naughty language!  :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ladies (and random gentlemen), this is the story of ...  The Most Effed Up Frog Yet.

I should have known when I questioned him on his "agenda" with online dating.  Simply asking if he's interested only in hookups and then getting the silent treatment for a few days should have stopped me from going any further.

When will I stop being so forgiving!?

Probably never.  But I digress.

New Years Eve and we made plans to finally go out.  The day of the date came and it started with: A dick pic.  After I had specifically said in previous conversation I would never want to receive one.  I got one.  WTF!?  Do guys really just send these casually now?  I freaked and he assured me to "calm down, stop acting crazy, it's not my dick, it's my friends.  It was just a joke.".  

Guys shouldn't have pictures of their friends penises, right? 

When will I stop being so gullible!? 

Probably never ... but again ... digression.

I meet him at his condo.  He's going to drive from there because I can't parallel park in town.  Which is where we're headed.

We go to one of my favorite places on Newbury.  Couple drinks, no problem. He asks me if I want to go somewhere else, sure!

And that's when it allllllll goes downhill.

This classy firefighter (again with the firefighters, giving those poor guys a bad rap) proceeds to drink about 4 vodka soda's in the amount of time it took me to have 1.5 bourbons.   While I'm in the bathroom, he writes to one of my friends from my phone.  Here is what he wrote to her ... EVERYTHING in blue he wrote - NOT ME. 

LOVELY!!!!

My poor friend.  Don't even ask how she thought this was me typing because it's so out of character. But I didn't notice these until later in the night.  

After what happened next...

We leave the 2nd bar to go get food.  As we're walking down the street he's asking me if I have a landing strip or am clean shaven.  Really?   Really.  

I can usually hang with the trash talkers just fine but this time I get a little annoyed and tell him to "zip it" (no pun intended for what's about to happen).  

I end up walking ahead of him a bit on Boylston Street.  He says to me from a ways back "Is this our first fight?" and yells my name.  I turn around ...

And his PENIS is OUT of the zipper, waggling around, and he's walking quickly towards me. Shaking his hips with his hands in his coat pocket. 

Yup.  It was definitely his penis, not his friends, in the dick-pic he so graciously sent. (Which I realized later was a screen shot of a peepee picture he had already sent to another girl he had labeled in his phone as "Chicago". So he obviously sends these pictures around often).

Horrified that "it" is now hanging out and people (poor little asian ladies) are looking - I grab his arm and tell him to PUT.  THAT.  AWAY.  I honestly thought it was a matter of moments before he got arrested for indecent exposure or for being a sexual predator. 

He zips it back up, and we go have a very quiet dinner.  I believe he sobers up a bit at this point and I'm ready to leave. So we do.  Don't ask me why I didn't run for the hills at this point.  Looking back, I don't know why I didn't.  

Moments later, we're on our way back to end the night.   He starts to drive.  Back to his neighborhood but makes a stop in front of another house...  "MAAAARIAAAAAA*" he yells and starts beeping the horn.

Who the hell is Maria*??

"Come on, let's go up".  He says as he gets out of the car.

"Where are we!? I'm not going until you tell me who's house this is"?

"My parents house, lets go in, I want to show you off".

WTF. WTF.  WTF.

5 Seconds later, I'm getting a hug from his mom, who's adorable and sweet, and in her pajama's.  And then we're sitting in their living room with his dad, shooting the shit.

Is this really happening ... yes it is.  I met the penis and the parents the same night. 

For about 15 minutes we sit and talk and then thankfully, even though I'd rather hang with his parents than him, my wonderful date says "lets go".

Off we go.  I get out of there pretty quickly and get a text on my way home ... "I found your earring".

Crap!  I didn't know I lost it in our exciting travels! 

I wait a bit before responding ... "Great!!  I need that!"  

He tells me "I threw it away".

What?  Why, I ask?  

"I just did and the trash just got taken out, sorry".

I say "I can't believe you'd do that - whyyy would you?".

His response:  "What is wrong with you?  You overanalyze everything!  Take a deep breath and just chill.  You're crazy.  I didn't throw your earring away."

I wait and say ...  "I'm sending you a pre-paid envelope with my work address, can you just put the earring in there and mail it back?"

His response:

"You really are crazy, to the point that it's creepy.  Leave me alone you psycho".

Me.  I'm creepy.  

So... needless to say I ...

• Am horrified.  
• Will never go on an online date again.
• Will probably never see my favorite earring again.  
• Will be going to church this Sunday to help erase my scars from these events and to pray for his poor parents.  

If anyone wants to see his peepee, I'm more than happy to share.  You know, because I'm so crraaaaazzzzyy.  This is why you never send nudies, friends. 

Happy 2015 friends!    

Backlash

So the downside to leading SUCH an exciting life (ha) and sharing it means it can sometimes make people mad.  As one of my besties said "don't want you ending up IN a dumpster".  So true.

Some of you remember when I had "The Skunk" power-washer threatening to come kill me?  I don't need other situations like that.  So ... I'm keeping the latest story under wraps until the dust settles a bit.

In the meantime though, I'll share another story.  That's right, some of you are lucky enough to get two stories in one day.

Quick one.  Did I ever tell you about the drunk text I sent to Bad Breath Bob?  For those of you that never saw this, thought I'd share.  For a drunk girl, this was pretty impressive. Who am I kidding, it's ridiculous.  But he wrote back "Happy Thanksgiving!!", which made me laugh.

#ChokeOnPubes  Feel free to steal that one.

It Happened ...

Someone has topped the dumpster story.

First week of 2015.  Right off the bat.  The year started with a proverbial bang.  Or shall I say "wang".

BUT ...  This story isn't quite ready to be out for the world to read yet.  Stay tuned ...  more to come.