Ok - Here IT is. Date 1, 2015. Indecent Exposure

Was going to wait until the weekend but just had a pow-wow with the BFF and she said it's ok to put up.  I was nervous this kid would somehow find out I wrote about it, but honestly ... he deserves it.

Here you go kids -- sorry in advance for the naughty language!  :)

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Ladies (and random gentlemen), this is the story of ...  The Most Effed Up Frog Yet.

I should have known when I questioned him on his "agenda" with online dating.  Simply asking if he's interested only in hookups and then getting the silent treatment for a few days should have stopped me from going any further.

When will I stop being so forgiving!?

Probably never.  But I digress.

New Years Eve and we made plans to finally go out.  The day of the date came and it started with: A dick pic.  After I had specifically said in previous conversation I would never want to receive one.  I got one.  WTF!?  Do guys really just send these casually now?  I freaked and he assured me to "calm down, stop acting crazy, it's not my dick, it's my friends.  It was just a joke.".  

Guys shouldn't have pictures of their friends penises, right? 

When will I stop being so gullible!? 

Probably never ... but again ... digression.

I meet him at his condo.  He's going to drive from there because I can't parallel park in town.  Which is where we're headed.

We go to one of my favorite places on Newbury.  Couple drinks, no problem. He asks me if I want to go somewhere else, sure!

And that's when it allllllll goes downhill.

This classy firefighter (again with the firefighters, giving those poor guys a bad rap) proceeds to drink about 4 vodka soda's in the amount of time it took me to have 1.5 bourbons.   While I'm in the bathroom, he writes to one of my friends from my phone.  Here is what he wrote to her ... EVERYTHING in blue he wrote - NOT ME. 

LOVELY!!!!

My poor friend.  Don't even ask how she thought this was me typing because it's so out of character. But I didn't notice these until later in the night.  

After what happened next...

We leave the 2nd bar to go get food.  As we're walking down the street he's asking me if I have a landing strip or am clean shaven.  Really?   Really.  

I can usually hang with the trash talkers just fine but this time I get a little annoyed and tell him to "zip it" (no pun intended for what's about to happen).  

I end up walking ahead of him a bit on Boylston Street.  He says to me from a ways back "Is this our first fight?" and yells my name.  I turn around ...

And his PENIS is OUT of the zipper, waggling around, and he's walking quickly towards me. Shaking his hips with his hands in his coat pocket. 

Yup.  It was definitely his penis, not his friends, in the dick-pic he so graciously sent. (Which I realized later was a screen shot of a peepee picture he had already sent to another girl he had labeled in his phone as "Chicago". So he obviously sends these pictures around often).

Horrified that "it" is now hanging out and people (poor little asian ladies) are looking - I grab his arm and tell him to PUT.  THAT.  AWAY.  I honestly thought it was a matter of moments before he got arrested for indecent exposure or for being a sexual predator. 

He zips it back up, and we go have a very quiet dinner.  I believe he sobers up a bit at this point and I'm ready to leave. So we do.  Don't ask me why I didn't run for the hills at this point.  Looking back, I don't know why I didn't.  

Moments later, we're on our way back to end the night.   He starts to drive.  Back to his neighborhood but makes a stop in front of another house...  "MAAAARIAAAAAA*" he yells and starts beeping the horn.

Who the hell is Maria*??

"Come on, let's go up".  He says as he gets out of the car.

"Where are we!? I'm not going until you tell me who's house this is"?

"My parents house, lets go in, I want to show you off".

WTF. WTF.  WTF.

5 Seconds later, I'm getting a hug from his mom, who's adorable and sweet, and in her pajama's.  And then we're sitting in their living room with his dad, shooting the shit.

Is this really happening ... yes it is.  I met the penis and the parents the same night. 

For about 15 minutes we sit and talk and then thankfully, even though I'd rather hang with his parents than him, my wonderful date says "lets go".

Off we go.  I get out of there pretty quickly and get a text on my way home ... "I found your earring".

Crap!  I didn't know I lost it in our exciting travels! 

I wait a bit before responding ... "Great!!  I need that!"  

He tells me "I threw it away".

What?  Why, I ask?  

"I just did and the trash just got taken out, sorry".

I say "I can't believe you'd do that - whyyy would you?".

His response:  "What is wrong with you?  You overanalyze everything!  Take a deep breath and just chill.  You're crazy.  I didn't throw your earring away."

I wait and say ...  "I'm sending you a pre-paid envelope with my work address, can you just put the earring in there and mail it back?"

His response:

"You really are crazy, to the point that it's creepy.  Leave me alone you psycho".

Me.  I'm creepy.  

So... needless to say I ...

• Am horrified.  
• Will never go on an online date again.
• Will probably never see my favorite earring again.  
• Will be going to church this Sunday to help erase my scars from these events and to pray for his poor parents.  

If anyone wants to see his peepee, I'm more than happy to share.  You know, because I'm so crraaaaazzzzyy.  This is why you never send nudies, friends. 

Happy 2015 friends!