The Ding-Dong Frog

I'm about to learn something big.

I can feel it in my bones.  And I think the Ding Dong Frog will have something to do with it, so I need to document a little bit about him.

All my friends and my family know this one very well.  We'll call him, Scooter.  Although I lovingly, yet frustratingly, referred to him for a year as "Ding Dong".

Where are we right now with Scooter, well ...  About 30 minutes ago we walked out of our building that we work in together.  I had to ask him a favor, and as I phrased it to him, it was so big of a favor I felt like I needed to butter him up with booze.  His response was "Well this can't be good.  Might as well tell me when I walk out to my car.  Meet me by the shitter in 7 minutes".  So I did.

As we walked out I asked him ... "Scooter, we're friends, right?  Like after all the crap we went through we're friends and friends want to help each other, right?" He looked at me nervously as we walked.  "I'm either going to cry or laugh when I ask you this but ... I had to call my therapist.  No one else even knows this yet.  I feel completely effed up after this last situation with that guy from Nantucket and my therapist asked if there were any guys that I dated that I'm still friends with.  I told her there was one, and that would be you.  She then asked if you'd come into her office with me so she could get your perspective.  I told her no, I know you won't and I don't want you to do that ..."

He let out a quick "good, ya, I don't want to do that".  And I continued with ...

"I know, I know. But I'm hoping if I get some questions she has and share them with you, will you answer them so I can give her your input the next time I go?  I feel so stupid."  Even stupider because now I was walking and crying. He'd never seen me cry before today.

Much to my surprise - he instantly said he'd do it.  I didn't think he would but he said yes. He said "I might not want to answer all of them but I'll answer what I'm comfortable with.  What the hell is going on with you??".

I said "Paul! Stupid Nantucket guy!  I feel so screwed up.  I've texted him 6 times, Scooter, with no response, and I feel desperate to fix things. Six times!! And I can't eat, and I just want him to give me another chance. I'm nuts!"

Scooter said "First of all why are you worrying so much! You have to stop worrying.  And you have to stop writing to him.  Next time you want to ... just don't."

"Easier said than done!" I said "I feel like I screwed things up, he told me I did.  Maybe I did.  Maybe I'm the one that messes things up.  I feel like I need to make things right with him now and I just keep writing."

We're standing in the parking lot now, co-workers leaving and passing us, and Scooter is actually standing close to me, kind of following me as I'm trying move away from him, as not to make this conversation drag on longer than it has to because I feel bad I'm even asking him this.  I'm also still crying, which I assume makes him uncomfortable.  He's so shy and doesn't do well with emotions.

But he kept talking and said "It's not you - the guy dicked you over and you shouldn't be writing to him. Why do you think you are the one that messed it up?".

"Because he told me I did.  And you told me I did with you, too."

He looked at me like he felt so bad.  I said "I'm 35 and single, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life".

He said "No you won't.  It will be ok".  I said thank you like 5 times and sorry I had to even ask him this and walked across the parking lot to my car, tears streaming down my face.

Talk about a humbling moment. Asking the guy you used to love with all your guts, not that long ago, who's now in a happy relationship with someone else, to help you figure out why you're so fucked up.

In summary, and perhaps I'll get into more detail about Scooter another time, since it did encompass a year plus of my life... I was introduced to him through my friend in October of 2012.  Over the course of 2013 he stole my heart.  He told me multiple times he didn't want a relationship but we'd spend time together, just the two of us, doing things like dinner, Bruins games, drinks, concerts, we'd talk every day - at work or on the phone.  I was crazy for him and always thought he'd change his mind.  Until New Years Eve of 2013/2014 when after doing some creeping - I found out he had a girlfriend, and did for a while.  Broke my heart.  As we parted ways from our on again/off again relationship, or whatever it was, he told me ... "I liked you a lot, from October until about March when you started to go nuts.  You sent me some crazy emotional emails.  From that point on, I checked out.  But I liked spending time with you, and you're funny, and a good person.  I just didn't want to date you anymore, but I wanted to spend time with you."  Honest.  Brutally honest.  But I think that conversation is what ultimately led to us being able to be friends.

And here we are now - him hearing details about a guy that I was head over heels for, that started to call me intense, and hard to deal with, and controlling, and misguided, and went to that Red Sox game without me.  And Scooter is referring to him as a dick now and will get outside of his comfort zone to help me figure out what's happening here and how I can improve.

This should be interesting to say the least.  And hopefully helpful.  I just want to know why I'm so sad about Nantucket when he didn't do nice things.  Was what I did terms for him giving up on me?  Am I really the one messing things up every time I feel like I really could see myself with someone.  I'm so afraid what those answers are ... but I guess I need to  hear them.

Ohhhhhh dear. Here we go ...