It's a friend and family favorite.
Guys I've told it to love it and share it with their buddies.
It's one of those stories that makes you think "this can't be true"... but it is. And it will go down in history.
It started with Tinder. I heard about the app. I discussed with some friends. I made an account and we got to swiping. Swiping left meant you didn't like them. If you swiped right you put these guys into a bank where if they also swiped right - you'd be connected. I didn't do any swiping this night. We later realized it was my friend Shirley* that found this beauty. And poor Shirley has been the matchmaker for multiple dates that have gone awry. Most of the real heavy duty, long term ones, actually. But even Shirley couldn't have known what was about to happen with this one.
I woke up the next morning and had a "match" in the Tinder app. It was Brad*.
Brad was fairly good looking, tall, and was messaging me like crazy. The banter was good. Another case of "clickage" (my word for when things click - so clever). We played off each other well, so I went with it. And so did he. He messaged me all day that day, into early the next morning. When he asked for my number, we moved to text messaging for another couple days. Talking about everything under the sun. He referred to our lengthy conversations as the equivalent of a first date. But suggested we actually go on a real first date. The conversation was so easy and we covered so much, I didn't even feel nervous. I agreed and the next day I threw on a new dress and went into Boston.
He walked in and I knew it was him. But he had white stuff on his face. My first thought was "coke.". I mentioned it to him. Not coke. Deodorant. He explained he put deodorant all over his body because he liked the smell of it. Nantucket Frog wore women's deodorant because he liked the smell of that. There are a lot of similarities between Dumpster Frog and Nantucket Frog. I digress...
We had a great day. It was sunny in the city. We had a late lunch, some drinks, walked around, and then went to Lucky's to listen to a Frank Sinatra impersonator. We made friends at the bar. Had another drink. It was a really fun day! So of course I said yes to a second date when he asked.
The second date of death. Most guys don't make it past date number 2 in my world. Brad would be one of those guys. And I'm about to explain why.
He asked me to meet him in Waltham at 6:30. It was near his house, not mine. Not ideal but I went with it. He didn't show up until 7:30. "I got stuck talking to some people" he said. I thought ... "you could have texted me", but whatever, trying to be less picky per my friends suggestion. When we were seated he immediately went into a discussion he seemed very eager to have with me. It went just like this:
"I have some things I need to tell you about. They're things I usually get judged on in relationships, and I like you, so I want to tell you about them right off the bat and get it out of the way."
I braced myself.
"One - I don't have a college degree. People think poorly of me for that, but I have a good job now so it is what it is"
Fine, I thought ... this isn't that bad.
"Two - I might have collected unemployment from the state. When I was employed. And I went to court for it. And I had to pay $20,000 back. It's all taken care of now. It was stupid. I just thought you should know because if you google me, it will likely come up."
Ok ... Not ideal again, but ... he cleared it up and it's all good now, right? I could hear my friends saying BE OPEN. And even when I explained this story just like this to them, they did indeed say "ok - not thaaaat bad".
"Three - I was arrested recently for a DUI. I only have a day-license and I can only drive from 8AM - 8PM"
I looked at the time. It was 8:15PM. "Brad, it's past 8PM ... how are you going to get home?".
"Well ... why don't we just get a hotel room?"
I said no. "No way", actually.
He said "well I live right around the corner. Could you give me a ride home. I'll just get my car tomorrow". Obviously I didn't want him getting in worse trouble than he'd already gotten into so I said fine.
We finished dinner and left. He got in my car and asked if I was sure about the hotel. I said I was very sure. That wasn't happening.
He then asked if I'd hop into the backseat. Really? The backseat. No. I wouldn't be doing that. I explained I'm 35 and classy and don't do backseats and reminded him it was our 2nd date. I was a little flattered though he was so attracted to me.
The persistent bugger then suggested a sleepover. He said "I only live around the corner... why don't you just sleep over. Come on ... do it. I'll just ext my mom and ask if it's ok."
His MOM??? He took his phone out and started to type and showed me the phone "Mom - I'm with a friend. Can she sleep over".
Was he serious??
Mom replies in two seconds "Are you serious?"
Thank you, mom. I said "Nooo way. And wait, you live with your parents???"
"Yes, but it's only temporary, I'm between places".
I said "I'm sorry, Brad - thats not going to happen. I'm going to just drop you off and head home."
We proceeded down the road until we got to his parents condo village. He pointed theirs out to me, and then said ... "Are you sure you don't want to come in." I said no. "Sure you don't want to get into the backseat?". Yup ... very sure. I wasn't flattered anymore. I was annoyed.
What happened next is what makes everyone say "You need to be writing this stuff down".
Brad says "Well, if you're not hooking up with me ... pull over up there by that dumpster. I need to beat off. I can't do it in my parents house."
WHAT!?
I said "Are you kidding me??"
He said - "No, just pull over up there by that dumpster. Do you have any tissues? Napkins?" as he opened my glove compartment and fished around for some. And in a split second, like a magic trick, before I even knew what was happening ... his pants were unzipped and there it was. Brad's dick - fully exposed in my passenger seat.
"What are you doing! Do NOT do that! Get out of my car" I said very shocked and rather loud.
Very casually Brad replied "Oh come on ... like no one's ever done this with you before".
Ummm. Nope! They hadn't!!
I didn't know how to make this situation stop so I turned on my interior lights and got louder with my request to "Cut it out!!". He shut the light off and proceeded to do his work.
"I'm going to lay on the horn and scream louder! DO NOT DO THAT!! GET OUT OF MY CAR!!"
He looked at me like I was the weirdest girl he'd ever met and begrudgingly put his pecker away. Looked at me and shook his head. Then he asked once more "Are you sure you don't want to come in".
I didn't reply.
"Ok, well text me when you get home so I know you're ok".
I don't think I have ever driven faster over speed bumps in my life than I did leaving that complex that night. I didn't text him when I got home.
He wrote the next day to tell me he walked into his bosses office that morning and quit his job. With no back up plan. But he thought he'd want to drive tractor trailers. I didn't reply. I'd hear from him a bunch more times over the next weeks. Usually around 1 AM on a weekend. I'd get some drunk texts about how beautiful I was, and how I was the one that got away (Thank God I did).
As awful of a date that was, I thank him for this gem of a story. My friends thank him. I met a friend of a friend on Wednesday and she said to me "YOU are the girl who dated the 'dumpster guy'?????". Yes ... that's me. I'm famous.
Nantucket guy loved this story. When things were "good" with us, he had sent me a picture of himself in full uniform standing behind a dumpster. It was funny at the time. Now looking back at the similarities, it's not that funny. That last note I sent to him telling him he wasn't a nice guy, I actually told him I thought he was just as bad as Dumpster guy. Maybe worse. At least Dumpster guy was honest. I still feel bad about that. But it's kind of true. Lessons learned and re-learned.
What are those lessons??
- Beware of guys that text like they've been dating you for months before you even meet them.
- Be even more wary of guys that are all about you being hot and wanting to have sex with you on the 2nd date.
- Don't date guys who have really weird deodorant issues.
- Stay away from dumpsters.
*Names changed to protect the less-than-innocent.
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